Temper tantrums.......

WE ALL have problems with our kids and hopefully we can share a tidbit or two with each other. The best ones seem to come from the kids themselves though they may not be particularly helpful....or maybe?
So here is a typical conversation that took place this morning between Mamasnaps Lisa and Susanna. Lisa has a 3 year old daughter, Kate. Susanna has a almost 6 year old daughter, Lulu

Lisa: Are you avail to talk in this afternoonish today? Wanted to ask you some kid behavior questions. I think it's a girl thing

Susanna: shurrrrr. everything ok?

Lisa: yes

Susanna: it is a little early to talk aboout her period. hahaha

Lisa: Kate has been just way OFF the past week in a very noticeable way.

Susanna: going into her f#ck you fours after sailing through the tyrannical threes?

Lisa: yeah i guess so- lots of tantrums and don't touch me and i want nothing and all kinds of sh*t

Susanna: Lulu went from totally easy to impossible

Lisa: Desi (Lisa's almost 6 year old)was ALWAYS able to be soothed by talking and hugging.

Susanna: Kate is actually alot like Lulu

Lisa: but Kate is a different child altogether on that - have to take more masterful approach.

Susanna: is she getting enough sleep?

Lisa: well she's old enough to remember what actions get her to get her way. yes on the sleep

Lisa: i prefer her to take a nap - but sometimes she skips

Susanna: she is asserting herself

Lisa: yes indeedy

Susanna: testing

Lisa: and I'm not liking much so far

Susanna: and she is more independant then Desi

Lisa: she's pulling a lot of tantrums and victim crap. well I"m not buying- this is unacceptable behavior to me. and Billy's (Husband) about had it

Susanna: timeouts?

Lisa: timeouts yes

Susanna: welcome to my world

Lisa: but she will NOT let it go Desi can easily move on

Susanna: again.welcome to my world

Lisa: so we are working on 'moving on'. she's a grudge holder

Susanna: andddd again

Lisa: interesting - what has been working for you lately?

Susanna: from my experience..
do not label- dont say you are being bad, bad girl, naughty, brat etc
you have to help her express her feelings.
"I know this makes you upset"

Lisa: Jason Schwartzman just walked by my window at work

(we DO live in LA......)

Susanna: I know it is frustrating when. She needs to know that you understand her feelings. tantrums are just frustration.

Lisa: yes I do say that. good about the labeling tho

Susanna: yeah I dropped the ball on that one

Lisa: UGH - sometimes I do say - stop being a brat tho. parenting takes the patience of a saint.

Susanna: no sh*t

Lisa: what I want to say is STOP F#CKING YELLING

Susanna: You CAn say that you dont hear her when she talks that way

Lisa: it's maddening. Billy is good when he's had enough sleep but if he is tired - he has hard time dealing - like all of us.

Susanna: and tell her she needs to calm down and if she doesn't send her to her room to cool it.

Susanna: ahhhhhhh FINALLY someone gets it!

Lisa: yis - cooling it ....boy she drags it on though - augh

Susanna: Lulu holds on too
Lulu says if you play with her everything will be better.
or buy her a little cake or treat
INterestinggggggggggg
can you give me an example that I can discuss with lulu......that could help BOTH of us!
SHe seems to think that when someone acts like that that people won't like you. She says to tell them that you still love them and will play with them- it is important to her that she knows that she is still accepted. all about who will play with her and saying its ok. So I am guessing that it is about letting them know it is ok to express their feelings and then it is up to us to guide them in a more productive way???????
Lisa: cute on the cake. tell Lulu that Kate is having a hard time when she does not get her way - like get to wear a certain article of clothing that is dirty, like her white skirt this morning - sent her into a tizzy. she refused to wear the purple one
but the white one was dirty

Susanna: Lulu says if you give her a purple necklace to wear with it and maybe be a purple fairy and wear your wings

Lisa: good god - advice from an angel

Susanna: isnt this SO helpful?

Lisa: v. sweet
yes let me put on my fairy godmother costume so I can flit around and grant all the children's wishes - how could I not know that? how silly of me

Susanna: with sitution like that it is basically: Your skirt is dirty- I am going to wash it today and you can wear it tomorrow

Lisa: yeah i'm a realist - that''s what i said and that does not compute today with this certain 3 yr old

Susanna:and when she has a tizzy has to sit somewhere until she cools it

Lisa: so i laid out the purple skirt before I left and she was in her underwear and a shirt eating a cheese blintz when i left

Susanna: and there HAS to be consequences. and reward the GOOD behavior. go to 99 cent store and fill a bag with crap.

Lisa: Im not playing her game. but boy does it take patience - like i said earlier

Susanna: just you wait

Lisa: yis let me take this day by day

Susanna: you will start giving in just to shut her up

Lisa: oh i'm guilty already- we're human

Susanna: but taking away things like a bedtime story or TV helps

Lisa: it really just started to be intolerable in the past week and i've really noticed this phase

Susanna: Let her decide the consequences with you
1 strike= no bedtime book
2nd= no TV
3rd= take away what she sleeps with

Lisa: (am hoping for a 'phase') can i wish : )

Susanna: well the f#ck YOU fours turn into the F#ck off (and leave me the hell alone)fives.

Lisa: lol

Susanna: Six I have no idea

Lisa: maybe six is peace

Susanna: satanic sixes
psycho six?
please let it be the snuggly six.
So you can see...we ALL have problems with our kids. Have any advice????? ;)
Things to keep in mind:

What is a temper tantrum?
An immature way to express anger, peaks between the ages of 12-36 months and no matter how gentle of a parent you are, your child will probably have a temper tantrum.

What should I do if my child has a temper tantrum?
Support and help children having frustration or fatigue related tantrums.
Your child needs encouragement and understanding most at this time.
Tantrums tend to occur most frequently during periods of tiredness, and hunger.

Ignore Ignore, Ignore (and did I say Ignore?) If your child does not get positive reinforcement (example: the candy bar) or negative reinforcement (example: your full attention when you are getting angry), then the tantrum will be shorter and will be less likely to recur in the future.attention seeking or demanding type tantrums. Includes whining, crying, pounding or hitting the floor, and breath holding, if possible and safe, leave the room so your child will not have an audience.
Do not give into your child’s demands.

Physically move children having refusal type or avoidance type tantrums.
* If the refusal is unimportant, like drinking all his milk, let it go.
* If the refusal is important, like attending daycare or preschool, the child should not be able to avoid the issue by having a tantrum.
* Try giving your child a five minute warning prior to stopping his/her activity, if a tantrum occurs, let it for a few minutes, acknowledge the child’s feelings, but state what needs to be done, like go to bed.

Use timeouts for disruptive type tantrums.
* Disruptive tantrums include: clinging to you as they have a tantrum, hitting you, scream or yelling so it may get on your nerves, having temper tantrum in a public place, and throwing or damaging property during the tantrum.
If timeouts don't work try having consequences for bad behavior such as lsing bedtime books or nighttime videos.
Reward the good behavior at random times. Kids want attention and need to know that they get noticed for their GOOD behavior as well.

This is also an interesting little clip:

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/21134540/vp/21450672#21450672
-SBH